In the conclusion of this series I feel I must speak of those texts which identify people who cannot be comforted because they refuse to be comforted. The text above has the Psalmist saying that in his trouble and weariness of soul, mind, and spirit he "refused to be comforted." I think nearly all of us can identify with this state, of times when we were so depressed, sad, and gloomy that no one could cheer us up, no matter how hard they tried. We see this in those times when a person loses a loved one in death, especially when that death was a horrible one. So we read:
“A voice was heard in Ramah, Lamentation, weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, Refusing to be comforted, Because they are no more.” (Matt. 2: 18 nkjv)
The slaughter of the infants in the time of Moses' birth and in the time of the birth of Jesus was a time of deep depression and one where there was no alleviation from it. The fact is, people in such deep grief need time to grieve, to pity themselves, for it can often be therapeutic itself. Dr. Barnes in his famous commentary wrote the following on Psalm 77:2:
"My soul refused to be comforted - I resisted all the suggestions that came to my own mind, that might have comforted me. My heart was so melancholy and downcast; my spirits were so crushed; my mind was so dark; I had become so morbid, that I loved to cherish these thoughts. I chose to dwell on them. They had obtained possession of me, and I could not let them go. There was nothing that my own mind could suggest, there was nothing that occurred to me, that would relieve the difficulty or restore peace to my soul. These sad and gloomy thoughts filled all my soul, and left no room for thoughts of consolation and peace. A truly pious man may, therefore, get into a state of mind - a sad, dispirited, melancholy, morbid state - in which nothing that can be said to him, nothing that will occur to himself, will give him comfort and peace."
Not only do we see this kind of grief when someone loses the love of his or her lives by death, but also in divorce, when the person you loved so dearly says to you that he or she loves you no more and loves someone else.
In preaching on the text above in the Psalms and the words "My soul refused to be comforted," the great preacher Charles Spurgeon said (See here):
"WHEN you meet with a person in great distress, you feel at once a desire to comfort him; that is to say, if you have an ordinarily tender heart. You cannot bear to see another in trouble without trying to minister to that heart diseased. But supposing that the person refuses to be comforted, then you are foiled. What can you do?...if a man in trouble refuses to be comforted, how are you to cheer and solace him?"
Spurgeon also said:
"I have known men to say to a person in deep distress things which have really aggravated him, and his malady, too. “As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to a heavy heart.”
We see this truth in the case of Job's friends who came to "comfort" him in his troubles and yet who made his grief and woe even greater by their words, so that he called them "miserable comforters." (Job 16: 2) Therefore, to be a good comforter we should imitate the way God comforts his people, as we have before observed from II Cor. 1:4. We should also ask God to give us the words to speak to those who need comfort and encouragement. Isaiah said: "The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary." (Isa. 50: 4 kjv)
One of the ways that we can comfort or help people who refuse to be comforted is to help ease their burden by doing things for them when troubles occur in their lives, such as preparing food for them, doing chores for them, running errands for them, etc. This is one way that we "Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (Gal. 6: 2 nkjv) However, there are some things that we simply must bear alone and that is why Paul says in verse five "For each one shall bear his own load." Sometimes in our efforts to comfort the afflicted we simply need to "weep with those who weep." (Rom. 12: 15) Even the Lord Jesus did this very thing when he was at the grave of his friend Lazarus, the text saying "Jesus wept." (John 11: 35; the shortest verse in the Bible) Oftentimes this helps the sufferer more than words.
Paul said: "And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it." (I Cor. 12: 26 nkjv) So Paul said to the Philippian believers: "you have done well that you shared in my distress." (4: 14 nkjv) What they shared was their financial support, but was not limited to that.
Spurgeon in the above cited sermon spoke of "religious melancholy." I have seen this manifested among the Hardshell Baptists. They manifest this spirit when they sing "Am I His Or Am I Not?" Having little assurance of salvation they go around gloomy and even bitter. This is also true in other cults. To comfort such people it is needed to help them find assurance. This can only be done by trying to get them to see the errors in their thinking and beliefs. Often this melancholy results from practicing some sin or thing that is displeasing to the Lord. There is a lot of literature available on this subject.
This is where nouthetic counseling (derived from the Greek noutheteo, "to admonish") can be very helpful. It is biblical counseling that relies strictly on scripture to address personal issues. It focuses on loving confrontation, deep concern, and bringing about change to align a person’s life with biblical requirements.
Of course, in trying to help those who refuse to be comforted, we must pray fervently for them, for God is able to comfort them when we cannot.
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